WORDS ABOUT WORDS
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
Dave Barry, American humorist, Why Humor is Funny
Posted on May 23, 2003 at 9:16 AM
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Function FormatDate(d)
If Month(d) = 1 Then s = "January"
If Month(d) = 2 Then s = "February"
If Month(d) = 3 Then s = "March"
If Month(d) = 4 Then s = "April"
If Month(d) = 5 Then s = "May"
If Month(d) = 6 Then s = "June"
If Month(d) = 7 Then s = "July"
If Month(d) = 8 Then s = "August"
If Month(d) = 9 Then s = "September"
If Month(d) = 10 Then s = "October"
If Month(d) = 11 Then s = "November"
If Month(d) = 12 Then s = "December"
s = s & " " & Day(d) & ", " & Year(d)
FormatDate = s
End Function
Function FormatTime(d)
If Hour(d) = 0 Then
s = "12"
ElseIf Hour(d) > 0 And Hour(d) <= 12 Then
s = Hour(d)
Else
s = Hour(d) - 12
End If
If Minute(d) < 10 Then
s = s & ":0" & Minute(d)
Else
s = s & ":" & Minute(d)
End If
If Hour(d) <=12 Then
s = s & " AM"
Else
s = s & " PM"
End If
FormatTime = s
End Function
Function RemoveSpaces(sOriginalWord)
sWord = sOriginalWord
If Left(sWord, 1) = "-" Then
sWord = Right(sWord, Len(sWord) - 1)
End If
Do While InStr(sWord, " ") <> 0
spacePos = InStr(sWord, " ")
If spacePos <> 0 Then
sWord = Left(sWord, spacePos - 1) & Right(sWord, Len(sWord) - spacePos)
End If
Loop
Do While InStr(sWord, "/") <> 0
spacePos = InStr(sWord, "/")
If spacePos <> 0 Then
sWord = Left(sWord, spacePos - 1) & "-" & Right(sWord, Len(sWord) - spacePos)
End If
Loop
Do While InStr(sWord, "'") <> 0
spacePos = InStr(sWord, "'")
If spacePos <> 0 Then
sWord = Left(sWord, spacePos - 1) & Right(sWord, Len(sWord) - spacePos)
End If
Loop
RemoveSpaces = sWord
End Function
Function ReplaceSingleQuotesWithHTMLCode(sOriginalText)
str = sOriginalText
Do While InStr(str, "'") <> 0
quotePos = InStr(str, "'")
If quotePos <> 0 Then
str = Left(str, quotePos - 1) & "'" & Right(str, Len(str) - quotePos)
End If
Loop
ReplaceSingleQuotesWithHTMLCode = str
End Function
Function ReplaceAllQuotesWithHTMLCode(sOriginalText)
str = sOriginalText
Do While InStr(str, "'") <> 0
quotePos = InStr(str, "'")
If quotePos <> 0 Then
str = Left(str, quotePos - 1) & "'" & Right(str, Len(str) - quotePos)
End If
Loop
Do While InStr(str, """") <> 0
quotePos = InStr(str, """")
If quotePos <> 0 Then
str = Left(str, quotePos - 1) & """ & Right(str, Len(str) - quotePos)
End If
Loop
ReplaceAllQuotesWithHTMLCode = str
End Function
Function ReplaceString(strField, strFind, strReplace)
findLocation = InStr(strField, strFind)
Do While findLocation <> 0
If findLocation = 1 Then
leftField = ""
Else
leftField = Left(strField, findLocation - 1)
End If
rightfield = Right(strField, Len(strField) - findLocation - (Len(strFind) - 1))
strField = leftField & strReplace & rightfield
findLocation = InStr(findLocation + Len(strFind) + 3, strField, strFind)
Loop
ReplaceString = strField
End Function